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PHANTASMAGORIACANTO I - The Trystyng
ONE winter night, at half-past nine,
Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy,
I had come home, too late to dine,
And supper, with cigars and wine,
Was waiting in the study. There was a strangeness in the room,
And Something white and wavy
Was standing near me in the gloom -
I took it for the carpet-broom
Left by that careless slavey. But presently the Thing began
To shiver and to sneeze:
On which I said "Come, come, my man!
That`s a most inconsiderate plan.
Less noise there, if you please!" "I`ve caught a cold," the Thing replies,
"Out there upon the landing."
I turned to look in some surprise,
And there, before my very eyes,
A little Ghost was standing! He trembled when he caught my eye,
And got behind a chair.
"How came you here," I said, "and why?
I never saw a thing so shy.
Come out! Don`t shiver there!" He said "I`d gladly tell you how,
And also tell you why;
But" (here he gave a little bow)
"You`re in so bad a temper now,
You`d think it all a lie. "And as to being in a fright,
Allow me to remark
That Ghosts have just as good a right
In every way, to fear the light,
As Men to fear the dark." "No plea," said I, "can well excuse
Such cowardice in you:
For Ghosts can visit when they choose,
Whereas we Humans ca`n`t refuse
To grant the interview." He said "A flutter of alarm
Is not unnatural, is it?
I really feared you meant some harm:
But, now I see that you are calm,
Let me explain my visit. "Houses are classed, I beg to state,
According to the number
Of Ghosts that they accommodate:
(The Tenant merely counts as WEIGHT,
With Coals and other lumber). "This is a `one-ghost` house, and you
When you arrived last summer,
May have remarked a Spectre who
Was doing all that Ghosts can do
To welcome the new-comer. "In Villas this is always done -
However cheaply rented:
For, though of course there`s less of fun
When there is only room for one,
Ghosts have to be contented. "That Spectre left you on the Third -
Since then you`ve not been haunted:
For, as he never sent us word,
`Twas quite by accident we heard
That any one was wanted. "A Spectre has first choice, by right,
In filling up a vacancy;
Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite -
If all these fail them, they invite
The nicest Ghoul that they can see. "The Spectres said the place was low,
And that you kept bad wine:
So, as a Phantom had to go,
And I was first, of course, you know,
I couldn`t well decline." "No doubt," said I, "they settled who
Was fittest to be sent
Yet still to choose a brat like you,
To haunt a man of forty-two,
Was no great compliment!" "I`m not so young, Sir," he replied,
"As you might think. The fact is,
In caverns by the water-side,
And other places that I`ve tried,
I`ve had a lot of practice: "But I have never taken yet
A strict domestic part,
And in my flurry I forget
The Five Good Rules of Etiquette
We have to know by heart." My sympathies were warming fast
Towards the little fellow:
He was so utterly aghast
At having found a Man at last,
And looked so scared and yellow. "At least," I said, "I`m glad to find
A Ghost is not a DUMB thing!
But pray sit down: you`ll feel inclined
(If, like myself, you have not dined)
To take a snack of something: "Though, certainly, you don`t appear
A thing to offer FOOD to!
And then I shall be glad to hear -
If you will say them loud and clear -
The Rules that you allude to." "Thanks! You shall hear them by and by.
This IS a piece of luck!"
"What may I offer you?" said I.
"Well, since you ARE so kind, I`ll try
A little bit of duck. "ONE slice! And may I ask you for
Another drop of gravy?"
I sat and looked at him in awe,
For certainly I never saw
A thing so white and wavy. And still he seemed to grow more white,
More vapoury, and wavier -
Seen in the dim and flickering light,
As he proceeded to recite
His "Maxims of Behaviour."
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